James and Lily: Star Crossed
by Emlyn
Summary: Lily and James share the love of a lifetime...but is that enough to keep them together? A tale of sadness, desire, friendship, love, loss...and, ultimately--Death. **FINISHED** [for now] [see ch. 'author's note']
1. Prelude

~*PRELUDE*~  
  
Generally speaking, at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry there are about 15 people in one house in one year. Lily Evans' year was quite different -- there were only six of them: herself, April Prewett, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. At the moment, the six of them -- the 7th years -- were the only ones in the Common Room -- it was about 12 o'clock and the rest of the students were already asleep in their dormitories. From her comfortable position on the couch in front of the fire, Lily looked around at them all silently as they talked.  
  
"Does anyone else notce how much of a future I *don't* have?" Sirius was complaining form his seat at the piano in the corner. He had just finished playing a Chopin prelude.  
  
"What are you talking about, Sirius?" James asked. James, with unruly black hair and deep brown eyes, was sitting very near Lily, with his hand on her knee. They had been dating since their third year.  
  
"Look at you all, studying dutifully for our finals in two days. We'll take them, you'll all pass, and then each and every one of you will use your remarkable talents to take on the adult world of jobs. Remus, you could illustrate a book, you're so good at drawing, or you could teach; you've been tutoring Peter for years."  
  
"If any school would take me," said Peter with a sigh.  
  
"Peter, you already have a job," Sirius went on. Actually, Peter's job was carrying mail for owls that had collapsed en route a destination. It was a dumb job but nobody really expected him to do more.  
  
"April, you kick ass on the stage, you'l be a concert performer within a month after we graduate."  
  
"Kudos, Sir Futureless," April said form the floor near the fire. Lily laughed. April was Lily's best friend, had been since the first day of school. She had blue eyes and blond ringlets that framed her classically pretty face. Lily had always envied her for her beauty, energy, and humor -- and of course, her talent for singing. Four things Lily didn't have.  
  
"Lily, you're so brilliant, you could take on any job you want and dominate it," Sirius said. Lily reddened. She had always been quite the opposite of April -- subdued, quiet, and shy. However, she was naturally bright, and did extremely well in her classes, especially Charms, usually without even trying. Though she didn't know it, and couldn't understand it even if she did, it was her innocent and withdrawn nature that had always attracted James; she was sort of a mystery at first, and the more he uncovered about her the more he loved her.  
  
"James, you rock hard at Quidditch, although you kick my butt academically, too." James could get grades equal to Lily's if he had the motivation to try. Which he didn't. What he liked to do most was laugh and make other people laugh.  
  
"Meanwhile, here I am, hitting on the piano," Sirius went on. "I am the reject of the rejects of Hogwarts. Which cancels out, doesn't it?"  
  
"No, you're a double reject," April said. "But you have a motorcycle. If you wanted, you could be a hobo, living on your motorcycle."  
  
James was getting bored listening to Sirius complain while pretending to study; he leaned over and whispered in Lily's ear: "'Hitting on the piano' . . ."  
  
"James. Study," she whispered back, trying not to laugh.  
  
"Lily, let's go outside for a while."  
  
"Don't be silly, I've got to study, and so do you."  
  
"Lily," April piped up. "Leave. Smooch. Return. Study. Sleep."  
  
"See, everone else wants us to leave," James said. "Now it's peer pressure, you have to do it."  
  
"I don't care where you go," Sirius said disinterestedly. "Just so long as I don't have to see you kiss."  
  
"Please, Lily? Look at the stars!" He waved his hand toward the huge dark window. "I know you want to . . ."  
  
"Oh, of course I want to, James, but I *can't*."  
  
"Yes, you can."  
  
"I *can't*."  
  
James fixed his warm dark brown eyes on Lily. "I love you," he said, super-sweetly.  
  
Her bright green eyes shimmered. "Don't do that."  
  
"I love you," James said again, his tone melting into pure chocolate.  
  
Lily gave up; she and James hurried out of the Common Room. As soon as they were gone, Peter scooted near Lily's seat to sneak a look at her completed star chart.  
  
"Peter," Remus said warningly.  
  
OUTSIDE:  
  
The crickets chirped in rhthym wth the chilly winter wind and their footsteps across the grass. Lily stopped when she came to a spot in the great yard behind Hogwarts where she had a clear view of the entire sky. Her green eyes shone with wonder as they raised to the Heavens in delight. James, behind her wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed his cheek into her flowing, dark-red hair. Lily smiled in content.  
  
"I'm going to miss this place when we leave in June," Lily said suddenly. James was silent; he knew she wanted to say more. "I mean, this is where . . . this is where my life began."  
  
"I know. I love it, too. And the people in it."  
  
"At least we've got a semester left."  
  
"Don't sound so grave, Lily. When we leave here, our lives will only have just begun. You know that, don't you?"  
  
Lily was pensive. "I guess so. -- But somehow, it doesn't feel like it."  
  
"Why not?" James kissed her cheek. "I'll be with you."  
  
"Forever?" Lily was happy again.  
  
"I promise, forever."  
  
Lily turned in his arms and put her arms around his neck and kissed him. "This is my world," she thought. ""Hogwarts, James, and the stars . . ."  
  
A sudden noise cut through the atmosphere and Lily and James pulled apart. It was a rustling in the bushes on the outskirts of the -- Forbidden Forest.  
  
James and Lily whipped out their wands as the rustling continued, and a gigantic figure emerged, massive and hairy. Lily and James sighed in relief.  
  
"Oh, it's you two!" Hagrid said gruffly.  
  
"Hello, Hagrid," said James and Lily simultaneously.  
  
"Gave me a bit of a fright," said Hagrid.  
  
"Yeah, us too," said James.  
  
"Do you need any help?" Lily offered, noticing the bag he had slung over her shoulder -- even though she was quite a small person whereas Hagrid was eight feet tall and five feet wide  
  
"Nah. What're you two doin' out so late anyhow? Shouldn' be doin' this, what with . . . one thing and another."  
  
James and Lily exchanged glances. They'd heard rumors of a Dark Power about to rise, but it had yet to present itself in any way, shape, or form at Hogwarts. To the students so far, it was a distant occurence, always happening to someone else.  
  
"Can you tell us what's going on, Hagrid?" James asked. "What's the Dark Power? What's it trying to do?"  
  
"Not at liberty to tell yeh that, James. Not yet . . . But somethin's comin' alright. . . . Now, you'd best be gettin' on up ter the castle; go on, now, both of yeh."  
  
"Okay; good night, Hagrid," Lily said politely, and they went back hand and hand.  
  
"Good luck on yer final exams!" Hagrid called after them. 


	2. Snow and Cuddles

SNOW AND CUDDLES  
  
THE NEXT NIGHT:  
  
For some reason, James was uneasy. He tossed and turned in his bed , plumped up his pillow, counted sheep, but it didn't work. He had been lying in bed for forty-five minutes now, trying to get to sleep, it was ridiculous. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were each snoring comfortably, probably dreaming about the next day when they would finished their last final and then pack their things to go home for Christmas Break.  
  
Finally deciding it was hopeless, he got out of his bed, grabbed his Invisibility Cloak just in case, and left the dormitory. He started making his way down the stairs, but stopped in his tracks next to a window.  
  
Snow!  
  
It was snowing! It was finally snowing! He'd thought they would be having quite a green Christmas, which was depressing, but now -- snow!  
  
He laughed out loud, staring out at the soft swirling flakes, and bounded downstairs into the Common Room. There was a fire going in the grate, and when he noticed who was in the big couch in front of the fire, he calmed himself.  
  
It was Lily. She was the only one there. She was sitting cross-legged on the couch with a heavy book in her lap and several heavy books besid her. It seemed as though she had been studying at some point, but now her head was on on the book in her lap and she was breathing steadily.  
  
He watched the firelight flicker across her face for a moment. Then he movd the books to the floor, laid [[layed? I have a huge problem with this]] his Cloak on top of them, and sat down beside her. He touched her hair and she stirred and groggily opened her eyes.  
  
"J-James? What are you doing here?"  
  
James grinned at her. "You're in the Common Room, Lily. You fell asleep while you were studying."  
  
She abruptly sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Oh! Oh, God, I didn't mean to -- I need to finish reading this chapter." She took up her book and her quill to start underlining things again. "I was on -- I was on -- Medeival Ointments of England -- no, I finished that. James, did we take the Potions Exam yesterday?"  
  
"It's late. You should be sleeping," James said, stroking her hair.  
  
"Can't sleep, I have to study . . . if I don't pass all my exams, I won't be able to get a job, and I don't have money to spare to --"  
  
"Lily, you're stressing yourself out too much. Just calm down."  
  
Lily looked at him and melted inside. His shirt was unbuttoned and hanging open. His eyes were warm, his body next to her warmer. She knew she would pass her exams. . . . he knew it, too. She could just . . . lay her head down against him and nap for a while . . . She shook her head --  
  
"No! No; stop looking at me like that."  
  
"Like what?" James asked. He had not meant to be looking at her any particular way.  
  
"And please button your shirt."  
  
"James put one hand on the book in her lap and closed the cover. "No, thank you. The fire's quite warm. I'm comfortable like this."  
  
"It's . . . distracting me." The book fell to the floor.  
  
"It's snowing."  
  
A happy expression diffused across Lily's face. "Oh! It is?! Oh, you're wicked for not telling me soon- --"  
  
He cut her off with a kiss. Lily dropped her quill and put her hand on James's cheek as they kissd gently. After a few moments James broke it off.  
  
"We should really get to bed."  
  
Lily touched his lips. Her studies, her exams, school; she'd forgotten about them. When he'd kissed her, her cares had fallen away . . .  
  
"Kiss me again," she whispered.  
  
His eyes gleamed, and he did. The fire crackled and warmed them. Lily moved closer to him and touched his bare chest, then moved her hand up to his neck. James moved his lips against hers, and her mouth opened to him.  
  
A couple minutes later they stopped, but kept their heads close  
  
"Guess what?" James whispered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Remus decided to go home for Christmas, too."  
  
Her eyes brightened considerably, and she grinned. "Oh! I mean, oh . . . what a pity."  
  
"You as happy as I am?" James said knowingly.  
  
"Twice," Lily answered, and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Now I've got you all to myself . . ." James laughed and hugged her closer. She leaned in to kiss him agan when they both heard the portrait hole start to creak open.  
  
Lily and James glanced at each other in horror for a split second -- then James grabbed his Invisibility Cloak from the floor and threw it over them both. Lily drew up her legs against her chest and she and James huddled together as close as possible (for multipe reasons: so as to fit under the Cloak, and because they both rather liked the closeness.)  
  
Then Filch opened the portrait hole, peering above his thin frameless spectacles. His cat, Mrs. Norris, looked around in quite the same fashion, but without the spectacles.  
  
"I though I heard talking, my sweet. . . . Have a sniff about. Nobody should be up at this hour . . ."  
  
Once they were both through the portrait hole, LIly took up her wand and flicked. The portrait swung shut noisily; Filch spun around. Lily's body trembled with silent laughter in James's arms.  
  
"Potter! Potter in his Invisible Cloak, I know it is, now!" He flung it open and sent Mrs. Norris. "Run! Catch him!" And Filch himself clamered through the portrait hole.  
  
"Clever!" James said when Filch was gone. Lily grinned and nuzzled her head on his bare chest. She meant to put it there only for a few moments, but her eyes closed against her will.  
  
"Oh, Lily," ames said quietly, kissing her feather-soft red hair. "You're exhausted, aren't you?" He stood up and pulled her to her feet. "Come on. You're going to bed."  
  
"No!" Lily said obstinately. "No, I really need to study. You go to bed and I'll --"  
  
"Don't argue," James commanded, leading her to the girls' stairway. "Now go. Sleep, and I'll see you in Transfiguration first thing in the morning, and we will finish our last exam, and you will fret obsessively, and then you will pass with top marks."  
  
"How do you know --"  
  
"I know," James said simply. He didn't remind her that that was what had happened every single term since they had started school.  
  
"If you say so . . ." Lily said unsurely.  
  
"Okay. Good night, James."  
  
"Good night, Lily."  
  
[Keep going . . . oh, and review!!!] 


	3. Final

~*FINAL*~  
  
The next day Lily went into Transfiguration early. It was their very last final and Lily's most difficult subject, so she wanted to get as much studying done as she could in her free time. There were still fifteen minutes before class started and Professor McGonagall wasn't even in the room yet. She pulled out her textbook and was flipping through pages when James entered the room. Her face lit up as it always did when she saw him unexpectedly.  
  
"Hi!"  
  
"Hey!" His expression mirrored hers. "Oh, don't tell me you're studying."  
  
"I'm studying," she told him. James sighed and sat down on the desk behind her so her head was leaning on his thigh.  
  
"Seven years hanging out with me and April and you've still you a streak of goody-two-shoes. You're a tough kid." He stroked her hair.  
  
"Mmm . . ." Lily murmured, leaning into his hand.  
  
"Tired?" He bent and kissed her head tenderly.  
  
"A little . . . okay, a lot."  
  
"You worry too much." His hand rubbing through her hair was forcing her eyes closed.  
  
"You don't worry enough," she protested half-heartedly.  
  
"I worry about you," he said sincerely. "Lily, you feel like you're going to zonk out right in my lap. Listen, after this test is over, you go on up to your dormitory and crawl back in bed."  
  
"You were up as late as I was last night!"  
  
"Well, I'll sleep with you."  
  
James bent his head over her again and kissed her for a few moments before he registered what he'd said. "I didn't mean that."  
  
Lily smied up at him mischeviously. "Didn't you?"  
  
James didn't have the time to be slightly surprised at her response because at that moment they both heard a distinct "Ahem!" from the front of the classroom.  
  
"Professor McGonagall!" James said. He and Lily extricated themselves from each other and looked at her like deer in headlights. Lily wondered exactly how long she had been there.  
  
"I trust you've both studied?" McGonagall said conversationaly as she went through stray pieces of parchment at her desk.  
  
"I did, for hours and hours and hours. Lily, on the other hand, refused forthright to, and went to sleep instead," James joked. Lily put her elbow in James's knee, thinking he might get scolded for his sarcasm, but McGonagall only said, "Good, good," and went on reading the parchments. James had the notion that she had her mind quite fixed on something else; he and Lily exchanged bewildered glances.  
  
~*  
  
LATER, ELSEWHERE IN HOGWARTS:  
  
"Ah, Minerva! How was James during class today?"  
  
"I don't think he knows, Albus. At least, not yet. If he does know, he's not making the connection between his heritage and the threatening dangers."  
  
"He's happy, then."  
  
"Yes. Very happy, as far as I could tell."  
  
"Good. I don't believe he will see much happiness in the near future."  
  
"He will see even less than you think if we don't do something soon."  
  
"You believe I should tell him that he's the Heir --"  
  
"-- That's not what I meant."  
  
". . . No. You meant Lily."  
  
"They're getting closer, Albus."  
  
". . . I know."  
  
"They musn't. If the Dark Lord knew . . . Lily's life, her family would be in great peril."  
  
"Yes. He carries a heavy burden whether he knows it or not. I do not know how long this war will take, but I know at some point the magical world will depend on the choices James makes."  
  
"Ignorance is bliss; bless them both!"  
  
"You mean not to tell them, then?"  
  
"I suppose they must be told, but . . ."  
  
"We could give them these Three weeks."  
  
"Yes. . . . It will make their parting harder, if that's possible. . . . But it is something they both deserve."  
  
"Three weeks. Let us hope Voldemort's forces can be held at bay for that long, for the sake of Gryffindor's heir."  
  
[A/N: That's all I've got typed up at the moment . . . but it's summer vacation so I'll be sure to have more soon! Check back, like tomorrow or the next day! And *HEY* Emlyn (your author) is to reviews as vampires are to blood! I THRIVE ON THEM. : : smilies: :] 


	4. Loving Concern

~*LOVING CONCERN*~  
  
That night, James was dressing for bed when there was a soft knock on his door. He finished pulling on his sweatpants and went over to the door. "What did you forget this time, Peter?"  
  
But when he opened it, it wasn' Peter. It was Lily. A warm, happy feeling swept through him.  
  
"Hi, it's . . . me. Sorry to --"  
  
"No! Oh, no," James dismissed her apology, then stepped back and gestured for her to come in. She looked hesitant.  
  
"Am I, er . . . allowed in there?"  
  
"Probably not."  
  
She shrugged and came in. He left the door open behind her so as to save her from feeling uncomfortable or trapped, and grabbed a t-shirt from his trunk and pulled it on, not with any desire to do so on his part, but out of politeness. Then he looked up and noticed Lily as staring at him quite intently. "So what's up?" he asked. "Is . . . something wrong?"  
  
her green eyes were huge and worried, but she shook her head. Her hair moved and James had a desire to touch it. "Nothing wrong, I just had a feeling . . ."  
  
He stepped closer to her and fingered the collar of her robes. "What sort of feeling?"  
  
"A feeling that . . . that something bad was going to happen."  
  
"Something . . . like what?"  
  
"Something . . . bad."  
  
James smiled a little. "Is that all?"  
  
She smiled, too, a bit sheepishly. "Yeah, that's all."  
  
"Well, let's see . . . Sirius is going home, so there can't be any surprise Dungbombs around, and Remus is going, so he can't eat anybody. It's not his time of the month anyway. And finals have already passed, the results for which . . . have yet to come . . ." He frowned. "I think we have found the subject of your bad feeling."  
  
Lily shook her head and laughed. "I'm pretty sure I did fine. And that's not the type of bad feeling it was anyhow."  
  
"All right, what type was it?"  
  
She looked up into his eyes and seemed troubled. "Well, more specifically . . . I feel like something bad is going to happen to *you*."  
  
His heart was warmed with her concern; he touched her hand.  
  
"Do you love me?" he asked. She smiled a little, then nodded. "Well, then . . . quite frankly, I don't care what happens to me."  
  
She blushed happily. "Okay. I'll stop with the paranoia. And this obsessiveness."  
  
"What are you obsessed with? I missed that part."  
  
"You, of course. You didn't know that?" She was half mocking herself now.  
  
"I didn't. Well, you should be happy. Everyone we know is gone home for the Holidays. You've got much more space to obsess over me for three weeks."  
  
She looked happier than ever. "Sounds good."  
  
James silently but heartily agreed. It was their last Christmas at Hogwarts, and even more than usual he had been wanting to spend every minute of it with Lily. Part of him felt bad about not wanting to hang out with his friends so much, but the bad feeling wasn't enough to make his feeings about Lily lessen, so his preference stood. James pulled LIly into a hug and rested his head on hers.  
  
"I'm glad you're not going home . . . Say, why aren't you going home?"  
  
She pulled away to look at him. "Are you crazy? Petunia uses every chance she gets to insult me."  
  
"Why don't you just threaten to turn her into a toad or something?"  
  
Lily frowned. "Well, I would, but . . . it's not just Petunia. It's my mother, too."  
  
Her mother? James thought. He couldn't imagine a mother ever doing anything to hurt her own child. James' mother was one of the nicest people he knew, and he loved her very much -- in fact, the three other boys frequently made fun of the attachment James had to his parents.  
  
"What's your mother doing?" he asked.  
  
"When I started school, she and Dad were so encouraging . . . but the more I learn and the more involved I become in magic, the more she thinks it's sort of a game -- entertainment, you know? I think she wants me to pursue a career in the normal world when I graduate . . ."  
  
"Normal?" James said skeptically. "Muggles think sitting in front of a screen of moving pictures and sounds is entertainment. How normal is that?"  
  
Lily grinned. "Well, normal is based on perspective, I guess."  
  
"And your mother thinks you're not normal?"  
  
"I don't think she underestand who . . . what I am. That I have magic in my blood. And Petunia -- she's the perfect daughter, all blonde and pretty, with a great new boyfriend with a high-paying job. . . . She's got lots of influence over Mum. Plus, since Dad . . ."  
  
She trailed off. James caressed her back comfortingly. Lily's father had disappeared a year or so ago. There had been no sign that he was murdered or hurt. . . . James would have thought that he left to get away from his wife, except that he couldn't see Mr. Evans leaving his daughters, whom he most dearly loved. "Still no news on your father?"  
  
Lily shook her head, looking down. "I don't think so. If something cam up they would have sent word . . ."  
  
"Is our mother coping?"  
  
"I think she is. We're quickly running out of money, but . . . emotionally, I think Mother's all right."  
  
She was fingering the cloth of his robes, and wouldn't look into his face. James put one finger under her chin and tilted her face to him  
  
"Are *you* coping?"  
  
Lily looked into his eyes. "Trust me," they said.  
  
"Petunia . . ." She swallowed hard. "Petunia told me once that it was my fault."  
  
James' eyes filled wth compassion. "Oh, Lily. You don't even know what happened to him, how could she -- how could *you* think that?"  
  
"It *could* be my fault," Lily said, distressed. "In several ways -- If he left us, it could be beacuse I was away all the time, at school . . . or he dind't like me studying magic that much. If it was supernatural, if something -- if something -- killed him . . . It would be because of *me*."  
  
"Or it could be Dumbledore's fault for not crossing your name off the list of magic eleven-year olds and letting you stay home with your father -- or it could be my fault, for begging you to stay at school during most of the Holidays. Lily, placing the blame of your father's disappearance at this point is irrational. You must know that, deep down. You don't need to carry this guilt."  
  
Lily leaned into him, comforted. "I didn't pick it up intentionally. Petunia gave it to me."  
  
James tucked her head under his chin again. "So that's why you're staying here. Remind me to thank your sister next time I see her."  
  
[Author's Note: I'm trying to add a chapter a day -- I would have added more today but my idiot little brother's been using the computer. I hate his guts -- But that's beside the point. -- The point is, check back sometime tomorrow please, and I should have more! And more after that and more after that and more after that -- I'll try to keep writing until their death . . . but you know what would really help?? REVIEWS : : grin : : Please review, tell me ALL your thoughts!!!!!!!!!] 


	5. Holiday

HOLIDAY  
  
For the next three weeks, Lily was more content than she'd ever been in her life; she was more happy for those three weeks than she had been when she first arrived at Hogwarts, when she completed the first year with over two-hundred percent in all her classes, and even happier than when she and James had first kissed.  
  
They spent all day together, and much of the night together. In the mornings James woke up before her and ate breakfast, and once she got up an hour or so later they would bundle up and take a walk around the grounds outside. The hours before lunch were spent playing in the snow outside, or James teaching Lily to fence in the Common Room inside, if there weren't too many other students around. James' parents had made him take fencing lessons the year before when rumors of Dark Powers had begun to circulate, and he was rather good at it now.  
  
Darkness was rarely on either of their minds, however, as by the end of the lessons they frequently ended up on the floor laughing as one pinned the other to the ground, practice swords thrown aside. They ate late lunches after the rest of the students and teachers had already finished eating, then spent afternoons taking another walk, trespassing through secret passageways in the castle, or staying warm in the Common Room in front of the fire, talking or reading (James's head in Lily's lap as she read aloud, and sometimes vice versa). They were able to get to dinner at the designated hour, and while they ate the Headmastr enjoyed intellectual conversation about politics and other world issues with the Head Boy and Girl, two of the brightest students. Professor McGonagall was astonishingly nicer to James then usual, and frequently looked at him and his girlfriend with deep sadness and sympthy, which bewildered James and Lily.  
  
Evenings, perhaps, were the best and at the same time the worst part of the day. They separated for a while to bathe and get ready for bed, and then Lily would go to James's dormitory to say good night. "Good night" took at least a quarter of an hour, if not longer, and many times fewer words were involved in saying "good night" than kisses. For this reason evening was the best time of the day.  
  
However, it was inevitable that eventually Lily and James would have to say "good night" for real, and it grew to be more difficult for them every time. The first few days Lily was in his dormitory for fiteen minutes, but by the end of the first week she was in it for thirty. By the middle of the second week she was in it for forty-five, and the night before the rest of the students returned from vacation James and Lily fell asleep together on accident.  
  
~*  
  
A couple of days were colder than normal. One brisk, wet morning, James and Lily stayed outside for three hours straight; it was extremely cold, but they were talking together and there seemed to be so much to say. When at last they decided to come insisde, they entered the Gryffindor Common Room -- empty at the moment -- freezing cold and soaking wet to the bone. A warm fire was blazing in the grate and they stood in front of it for a moment, warming their hands enough so that they were able to actually feel things, so they could get out of their wet clothes. Their cloaks and robes they draped over the back of the couch, then each went to their own dormitories to change out of their wet jeans and sweaters. James came back down to Common Room and stretched himself out on the couch to wait for Lily and thought about how it always took women to do things such as bathe and dress longer than it did men. Wondering this led to wondering about Lily undressing upstairs, and wondering that led him to create a pleasant fantasy in his mind of taking Lily's clothes off himself on the couch as the fire heated them and spread a warm orange glow throughout the room.  
  
"Hey!" Lily said from behind the couch, peeking over at him. James sat up immediately and straightened himself.  
  
"Sorry. I didn't mean to disrupt you," Lily said as she sat down next to him with a book in her hands. James made his eyes wide as dinner plates and innocent.  
  
"Disrupt me? Whatever from?"  
  
"I don'tknow," Lily said, shrugging. "You tell me. You had a little smile on your face when I came down."  
  
"I was . . . er . . . thiking."  
  
"What of?" Lily asked conversationally.  
  
"Things . . . Smile-y. Things Happy smile-y things, rainbows and bunnies."  
  
She gave him a bewildered look. "Okay."  
  
"So . . . what's that?" He pointed to the book she was holding.  
  
"Book I'm reaing. I just started it, and it sounds likes somethng you would really enjoy."  
  
"Does it?" James said curiously. "Quidditch, magic, battles, food?"  
  
"Well, not Quidditch . . . but battles, yes, magic, oh yes, food, yes . . . and friendship, evil, good, and love, and non-stop action!" [This is me inadvertently advertising ^^ I do love this book!] James took the book and looked at it. It had a green cover, with gold letters inscribed on the front proclaiming "The Lord of the Rings".  
  
"It's . . . big."  
  
"Well, if you want to read it, you don't have to read it -- I mean, I'll read it aloud to you."  
  
"Would you, really?"  
  
"Of course." She crossed her legs and took the book from him. "Here, put your head in my lap."  
  
Well. He could put his head in her lap and lie there in silent contentment for hours; but to have a story to go with it! James thanked God he had three weeks of this.  
  
Oh -- no he didn't. On week had already passed. there were only two weeks left.  
  
James pushed that thought out of his mind.  
  
[Author's Note: Look, I got two chapters up within 12 hours of each other! Aren't you proud? The next chapter is called "Wanting More" . . . still vacation . . . that might give you some idea of what's going to happen there . . . Hold on to these early chapters . . . happy days are ending soon . . . Reviewie? Pleasie? Love, Emlyn] 


	6. Wanting More

WANTING MORE  
  
That night, after James had showered and dressed for bed he lay down on his four-poster with the curtains drawn back and waited for Lily. He stared at the ceiling, his hands locked behind his head, and thought about things. Mainly, Lily. He'd done that a lot lately.  
  
Soon Lily knocked at the door, and he told her to come in. She looked incredibly snug and fresh in her navy drawstring pants and white t-shirt. Her hair was tied back loosely at the nape of her neck, and she was barefoot. She started to come in, but then noticed he was lying down in his bed, and hung back shyly.  
  
"Come here," James said, smiling slightly. Lily took a step back.  
  
"No, I er -- I ought t-to --"  
  
"Lily," James cut her off. He patted the sheets beside him "I won't hurt you."  
  
"Oh . . ." She softened and came over to stand by the bed. "It's just . . . I'm not allowed to be in here at all, and we're Head Boy and Girl, and . . . if we were caught. . ."  
  
"Lie down with me, Lily. Just for a little while?"  
  
She wanted to, James could see that, but she was afraid to. He recalled his fantasies about her that afteroon on the couch in the common room, and forced them to the back of his mnd. He took her hand and their fingers interlocked, and she sighed and crawled under the covers next to him.  
  
He pulled her closer, his arms firmly holding her against him. Be careful with her, he ordered himself. Her eyes shined into his, full of bright happiness and innocence. He kissed her softly. Be careful. Lily wrapped her arms around his neck and responded to his kiss. Be careful. The kiss became fervent, and his hands moved down her back and lifted her shirt just enough to feel her bare skin. He tried not to kiss her quite so intensely, but he didn't think his heart -- or his lips, for that matter -- was connected to his brain at all, and Lily did not seem to have a problem with his passion.  
  
His lips left hers and he kissed her cheek, her neck, her shoulder, and her skin got softer and softer the lower he went. It was getting difficult not to lose his head completely -- be careful. He fought a sudden desire to move on top of her -- be careful -- but then his lips found Lily's again, an she kissed h with such ardency, her hands around his neck and caressing his hair that he felt something inside him would burst unless he obtained from her what he most passionately desired, or unless he stopped kissing her.  
  
He chose the latter, wisely enough, and fell away from her back onto the bed, panting slightly.  
  
"James?" Lily whispered. He shook his head slightly, suddenly wishing she wasn't there, so that he could be alone with his thoughts and try to make sense of the storm brewing within him. "James, what's wrong?"  
  
He looked at her silently. She didn't know, did she? She didn't feel what he felt when he was touching her . . .  
  
"James, don't look at me like that. You're scaring me," Lily said softly, her green eyes troubled.  
  
He sighed and put one hand to her cheek. "I'm sorry . . ."  
  
LIly gave him a bewildered gaze. "For what?"  
  
For thinking about you like this. And the more innocent you seem, the more I want you . . .  
  
He said nothing.  
  
Lily put her hand on top of his and held it. "James, what is it? What are you thinking?"  
  
He liked it when she whispered his name.  
  
"Something I shouldn't be," he answered.  
  
~* [ -- A/N: Do you guys get this? It's a flower. *~ I say it's a Lily ^-^]  
  
The following Monday it was cold and blustery again. Wind was blowing the falling snow right on their faces, and filled their coats with wetness up to their necks. It was so unbearably cold that they took only a short walk around the grounds and then went back inside after about a half an hour. The Common Room was empty again. As always, they separated to their separate dormitories to change into warm, dry clothes, and, as always, James finished and got back down to the Common Room before Lily did. His cheeks and fingers were still slighly numb from the cold so instead of sitting down on the couch near the fire he sat down on the floor right in front of it and let the warmth flow over him.  
  
Finally Lily came down wearing her navy sweatpants, and a black camisole. She actually looked very sexy, James thought. He had ever seen her look sexy before. His heart always raced when she entered the room; now it was jumping out of his chest.  
  
She stood at the bottom of the stairs timidly and he silently admired her for a bit. And for a moment as he looked at her, her shyness and uncertainty were swept from her face, as though she temporarily understood fully the extent of his love for her, and her expressoin of admiration mirrored his.  
  
"Come here," James said quietly. Her face regained its familiar shyness as she came over to him and sat down next to him, Indian-style. James, laughing at her timidity, pulled her into his lap.  
  
"Ow! What are you ong?" Lily giggled. James wrapped his arms and legs arund her and covered her face with kisses. Their lips met and they kissed ardentyly  
  
"Oh, it's hopeless . . . I'm hopelessly in love with you," James murmured.  
  
"Hopeless?" Lily said.  
  
"Hopeless. I'm so in love I don't even know what to do with you anymore."  
  
Lily felt a tugging in her lower body. She wanted to lie down with him. How did he do that? Every time he kissed her now, she felt like she wanted to lie down with him.  
  
"James?" Lily whispered. James had suddenly grown quiet and still, his forehead resting against hers. "What is it?"  
  
"Will you marry me?"  
  
~*  
  
How many tmes had he thought that question? How many times had he imagined her possible answers? He imagined her getting angry with him, for thinking about marriage when a Dark Lord was coming to power. He imagined her being unsure, afraid to make hat commitment to him. He imagined her crying with happiness and throwing her arms around his neck. He imagined her laughing at him, thinking it was a joke.  
  
What he had not, what he could not imagine was what really happened. For a moment her eyes shone so beautifully and brightly he felt he should shade his eyes from their light. Then she answered, simply, "Yes."  
  
For a while James could only look at her. Whe he finally grasped the meaning of her answer, the world was perfect.  
  
"Urgle!" he said. He buried his head in her neck and left it there, unable to say or do anything else.  
  
"Urgle?" Lily exclaimed with a ringing laugh. He nodded, rubbing his lips against her skin; he hooked his thumbs underneath the straps of her camisole and pulled them down off her shoulder and kissed her, and they fell back on the floor laughing.  
  
"What does 'urgle' mean?" Lily asked, smiling from ear to ear.  
  
"It means, 'You will? You'll really marry me? When? Are we going to live at Godric's Hollow or somewhere else? Are we going to have children?  
  
"Yes to everything."  
  
"Yes to when?"  
  
"Yes to you." James was lying on top of her, but he felt none of the lust he'd felt before, only love -- pure, happy love.  
  
[AUTHOR'S NOTE: One reviewer of this story, or maybe one of my other L/J stories, said this plot is overwritten and that it's just like everyone else's. I'm not angry with the person who wrote that -- I thank them because I really DO want to know what you think, so, actually, THANKS!! But I want to say that I know other people have probably written all of the above before, but I PROMISE, I PROMISE OTHER THINGS WILL START HAPPENING!! So bear with me! I beg you! I've just finished a future chapter called DEATH; but you have to read the next chapter, titled "Beginning of the End" first! So you gotta come back soon! And, as always, I BEG YOU TO REVIEW! pleasepleaseplease ^-^ miao Love, Emlyn] 


	7. Beginning of the End

THE BEGINNING OF THE END  
  
"Well."  
  
"Well." Lily and James stood in James's dormitory looking at each other. It was the last day of vacation; it was twilight and there were only hours left before their friends came back.  
  
". . . Well."  
  
"I almost with they weren't . . ." Lily started.  
  
"I know," James said, nodding.  
  
"But when I feel bad about them returning I feel bad about feeling bad!"  
  
James sighed.  
  
"What are we going to do?" LIly said helplessly.  
  
"Er . . . kiss and pretend vacation is starting over again?"  
  
Lily threw him a disappoving glance, but after a thought, shrugged and kissed him. He kissed her back passionately. They pressed together tightly but still Lily felt a distance between them they could not close. She jumped into his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist, which was better but it wasn't enough. They stopped kissing and she sighed against his neck  
  
"God, I wish we could . . ." she said breathlessly, then stopped. There was a silent pause and James moved his head away from her and looked at her.  
  
"What? You wish we could what?" he asked, his eyes swallowing her; she grinned uncontrollably and buried her face in his neck, her cheeks burning.  
  
"You know," she said with a tone of finality.  
  
"No, I don't, I don't know," James pressed. "Tell me."  
  
"I can't," she muttered into his shoulder.  
  
"Yes, you can, and I need you to." He tried to nudge her head up with his own forehead so he could see her eyes again, but she resisted. "Oh, try, please try . . ."  
  
"I don't know how to say it the way you . . ."  
  
"In your own way; say whatever you feel."  
  
She looked at him and fell into his gaze and suddenly it took no strength whatsoever to speak this most private feelingin her heart. "I wish we could make love."  
  
James's eyes gleamed into her. His heart stopped and he couldn't breathe, but he didn't care. He kissed her, trying at first to be gentle, but the kiss became desperate. Lily's legs tighened around him. He carried her over to his bed and slowly lowered her down on it, and then, ever so carefully, laid down on top of her.  
  
They kissed for a whie, and James was in heaven; but then Lily moaned and pushed him gently.  
  
"James . . ."  
  
"I know. I know, I'm sorry." He rolled off of her and sighed.  
  
"I'm s-sorry," Lily said softly. "I better go . . ."  
  
"No!" he said, perhaps a little too harshly, for she immediately lay right back down. "I mean, just . . . stay for a little bit . . ." He didn't want her to leave, didn't want to break the perfection of the last three weeks they had spent alone together. James couldn't wait to get out of school now; then he'd marry her and they'd be alone together forever.  
  
James lay down next to her and Lily nuzzled into the crook of his arm and tucked her head under his chin. James felt infinitely peaceful with her there, and couldn't imagine going to sleep any other way ever again . . .  
  
~*  
  
THE NEXT MORNING . . .  
  
Sirius lifted his head from his pillow enough to see the clock at the head of his four-poster, then buried his face in his pillow again. Urgh. Class. And what better way to start off a new year than Arithmancy?  
  
He kicked his covers to the floor, dragged himself out of bed, and dressed. He went aound the room to peek through the curtains around Remus and Peter's bed, and found they were both empty. It was late in the morning. They were probably already downstairs eating breakfast.  
  
He heard James stir in his sleep and made his way over to that bed, cooing," James . . . Prongs-ie, time to wakey, get ready for another d--" He stopped, wide-eyed. He'd started to draw back the curtains, and noticed that there were way too many legs.  
  
He shut the curtains and hurried out of the room, towards the seventh-year girls' dormitory, and ran right into April. Her blond ringlets were wet and her skin glowed -- it looked as though she'd just stepped out of the shower. Sirius lost his head for a moment, looking at her, but soon pulled himself together.  
  
"Do you know where --" April began, at the same time Sirius asked, "Have you seen --"  
  
"Lily's not in your dormitory?" Sirius askd, somewhat relieved. "Okay, at least I know who it is."  
  
"Who what is? Where is she?" April was slightly put out. She'd really missed Lily over vacation, but Lily wasn't rushing to see her again.  
  
"Either James grew another couple legs, or there are two people in his bed."  
  
April's jaw fell. "What!? What the hell are they doing?"  
  
"Need you ask? just started to open the curtains and when I saw all the legs I decided it wasn't any of my business."  
  
"Well it's going to be everyone's business if they don't get up soon. We've got Arithmancy in ten minutes!"  
  
"Not only that, but aren't your insides just writing with the thought of it?" Sirius said as they headed to class.  
  
"What thought? I am managing to avoid all thoughts right now except 'Ew!'"  
  
~*  
  
Meanwhile, as the sun rose higher in the sky and began filtering through the window of the seventh-year boys' dormitory, James rolled over and opened his eyes, and discovered the sheet contentment and peacefulness that accompanies waking up with someone you love.  
  
Slowly he put his hand up and his fingers lightly brushed her lips, her cheek, her eyelids, her hair. Lily stirred and opened her eyes, letting loose on James's heart a shimmering green light. She smiled.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked groggily, as he continued to touch her hair.  
  
"Making sure you're real," he answered,  
  
Lily took his hand from her head and brought it to her face and kissed his fingers. "I'm as real as the rules I'm breaking," she said. James laughed.  
  
Their laughter was cut short as suddenly both of them realized when and where they were.  
  
The bell rang, signaling the start of their first class of the term.  
  
"Arithmancy!" Lily exclaimed as they exchanged horrified glances. In one swift movement they both bounded out of bed. James took his shirt as Lily raced toward the door -- then she double back and ave him a quick kiss on the lips.  
  
"I'll see you in a few minutes," she said breathlessly. "I love you."  
  
"I love you," James returned as he pulled a sweater over his head. "Hurry!"  
  
"No kidding!"  
  
Ten mintues later they both skidded into the Arithmany classroom, books and quills in hand. Lily had had enough sense to run a comb through her hair but James's was even messier than usual.  
  
"It's nice of you to join us," Professor Sinistra said, giving them a steely glare. "You're late. Our Head Boy and Girl, no less." She wasn't the only one glaring. April, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all staring at the pair suspiciously. There was an empty table at the back of the room and James and Lily sensed each other wanting to go to and sit together, but, after exchanging glances, separated ad sat in their usual seats next to their best friends.  
  
"What?" Lily questioned April's questioning gaze. She opened her mouth to say something, but then Sinistra began the lesson and there was no more room for conversation.  
  
An hour and a half later the bell rang for the end of class.  
  
"Where were you?" April lurted out as they gather their books together.  
  
"Sleeping. Do you think Sinistra was too angry with us? She didn't take any points away . . ."  
  
"Potter, can I see you for a moment?" Professor Sinistra said as the students filed out of the classroom.  
  
"Hah! Busted," April remarked.  
  
Lily turned around and James deliberately bumped into her.  
  
"She's calling you," Lily said, trying and failing to suppress a grin. Her body was tingling slightly where he'd bumped into her.  
  
"I know," James said, returning her smile. He leaned in to kiss her, then stood back, thinking better of it as he noticed the four others were watching them intently.  
  
"Do you think they did it?" April murmured to Sirius.  
  
"I can't tell . . ." Sirus replied out of the side of his mouth.  
  
"It was my fault, too, okay?" Lily was saying to James. "Don't you take all the blame."  
  
"Of course it was," James agreed, although truthfully he had no intentions of placing any of the blame on LIly. Then they tried to go their separate ways; James into the classroom, Lily into the hall with April, but their lips somehow came togethr in a brief but passionate kiss.  
  
"I lo--" He stopped and glancd over at his friends, still watching. ". . . I'll see you," James said, turning to leave. The boys waved and walked off down the hall. Lily let go of James's hand and turned to April.  
  
"You two have amazing chemistry, you know that?" April said appreciatively.  
  
"We do?" Lily said, surprised.  
  
"Yep. Points for sparkage. It makes me sick. So . . . what exactly were you doing last night?"  
  
"Wouldn't you like to know."  
  
~*  
  
Professor SInistra led James into his office, where he found Dumbledor sitting near the fire, twiddling his thumbs.  
  
"Ah! James. There you are."  
  
"Professor Dumbledore!" James said in surprise. They send you to the Headmaster for being caught in the wrong dormitory? James thought. "Listen, er, Headmaster, sir, it wasn't Lily's idea to come into my dormitory, I made her do it, so please don't put it down on her permanent record --"  
  
"You're not in trouble, James," Professor Dumbledore said dismissively. Jame blushed.  
  
"Oh. Erm, forget all that stuff I just said."  
  
"Could you please leave us for a few minutes?" Dumbledore asked Professor Sinistra kindly. She bowed deeply and backed out of the door, closing it firmly behind her. James looked at the door uneasily.  
  
Dumbledore got up and started waking back and forth across the room. "For over a hundred years I have lived and still this task comes no easier," he thought to himself. He stopped pacing and looked down at James, who waited calmly. The Headmaster's face was exremely grave. He looked worn-out, weak. He took a breath and composed himself, something James had never seen the Headmaster need to do before; it troubled him.  
  
Dumbledore fixed his intelligent grey eyes directy on James. He knew now that he had made a mistake in not confronting James about his ancestors three week ago, before the holidays. Perhaps if he had, things would have happened differently . . .  
  
But, he hadn't  
  
"Last night," Dumbledore began, "there was an attack at Godric's Hollow. Voldemort attempted to murder your parents. You father is dead, James . . . Your mother is . . . fatally wounded." 


	8. DEATH

DEATH  
  
James said the first thing that entered his head afterwards. It was about a half a minute later, and the thought was a soft, disbelieving, "What?"  
  
"It was in the Daily Prophet this moring and --"  
  
"The Daily Prophet is notorious for misinformation --"  
  
"-- and that thought *did* cross my mind," Dumbledore said sternly. "I went over there directly after the occurrence took place, James, and found your parens. Your mother is here in the hospital wing.  
  
For a long time, again, James just stood, staring at Dumbledore, expressionless.  
  
"I am sorry, James," Dumbledore said with ample emotion in his voice.  
  
James started to cry and didn't try to stem the flow of tears that were streaming down his cheeks. "My mother's here?" he said in a strangled voice.  
  
"Yes --"  
  
James didn't wait for Dumbledore to say anything more -- he turned on his heel and raced out of the room.  
  
He ran at top speed through the corridors -- racing, racing -- blood pumping -- tears streaming -- mind not understanding -- and reached the hosptial wing within a minute. From the hallways he heard his mother's voice, "Poppy -- can't you do anything? James can't see me like this. I need to be gone before he gets here . . . Let me die, let me die . . ." He stepped in and saw her.  
  
There was a great hole in her side -- half her stomach was gone -- red, so much red -- He stood there, stunned -- it makes no sense.  
  
He let out a shuddering breath, and stumbled to her bed, found her hand and held it; her blood stained his cheek.  
  
"Mum?" She burst into tears and cringed as saltiness stung the cuts on her cheeks. "Oh, God, Mum . . ." James murmured. He turned to Madam Pomfrey behind him. "You can still save her! She can be fixed."  
  
"James . . . there's nothing left to do," she said calmly, looking him in the eyes.  
  
But James wasn't looking at her. He was looking past her. At his father, in a bed across the room.  
  
His body was clean. His hands were at his side, as though he were sleeping. But his eyes were open, and there was a look of terror upon his face.  
  
And for the first time, it really hit James what was happening.  
  
~*  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE COMMON ROOM, THE REST OF THE GANG IS OBLIVIOUS:  
  
As Holidays were over, the Common rom was full again of people and buzz of talk. Sirius, Peter, and Remu were investigating their map their their heads together in a ight circle, and Lily and April were sitting on the floor playing chacker (April had never had the patience for chess) -- or trying to, anyway.  
  
"Lily, wake up, it's your turn," April said for the third time that game.  
  
Lily looked up. "Huh? My turn? I thought I just went."  
  
"Yeah, eternity and three days ago, I did, now it's your turn."  
  
"Oh," Lily moved a checker and, immediately after, April triple-jumped her.  
  
Lily didn't do anything but stare dreamily at the board.  
  
"Lily, where are yu?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You're obviously not in this world right now -- where are you?"  
  
Lily smiled. "Here. Did you win?"  
  
April threw up her hands in the air and sighed. "Oh, for Alexander's sake!"  
  
"Who's Alexander? You mean Pete," Lily corrected.  
  
"Who's Pete?" April shot at her.  
  
". . . Good point."  
  
"OY! APRIL! KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN!" shouted Sirius at the top of his lungs from their table. He had looked up when April had yelled at Lily. "Fuck you," April said under her breath.  
  
"April, don't say that. It's his way of flirting."  
  
"I know that, Lily! I'm not completely stupid like you were all those years ago -- 'Oh, I wonder if James likes me, he just looked at me, does that mean anything? Do I look back at him?'" Lily blushed and couldn't help but laugh. It was stressful then, of course -- but funny now, considering. "I know Sirius is half in love with me, it's obvious," April went on, "but he's such a weasel about it."  
  
"You really hate him, don't you?" Lily said, eyes laughing.  
  
"With a fiery passion."  
  
"Why don't you tell him to leave you alone? -- No, deep down, you love the attention, don't you?"  
  
"Well, look who's gotten blunt!"  
  
"More insightful, maybe. Not blunt!"  
  
"I bet James thinks you're blunt."  
  
Lily paused. "Was that a sexual joke?"  
  
April crinkled her nose. "It was supposed to be. Didn't make much sense, though, did it?"  
  
Lily grinned. "Not really, no."  
  
"What's up with you today, why are you so happy?" April said bitterly.  
  
"Why, I'm sorry, let me lament a little bit for you --"  
  
"No, no! -- I'm done with my furious rant. I want to know what happened over Christmas break. What did James get for you? . . . What did you *do* for three weeks?"  
  
Lily eyes brightened and she looked down. "Nothing. A little nthing, no studying, no thinking --"  
  
"Lotta James . . ."  
  
"Yes, lots -- I wonder where he is." And for a brief moment, Lily felt a tugging in her chest, a ephemeral feeling of pain and sorrow. But it lasted only a second, then was gone.  
  
In the Hospital Wing, James was staring blankly at his father's lifeless body.  
  
"Beats me," April was saying. "Probably getting his ass kicked by Dumbledore."  
  
That scene entered both girls' heads and they cracked up.  
  
"YOU'RE BEING TOO LOUD, APRIL PREWETT!" shouted Sirius. They stopped laughing and April flipped him off. Lily gasped and covered April's hand with her own. Remus and Peter were trying not to laugh.  
  
"Look at him. He thinks he's so funny," April hissed.  
  
"April, you wanna hear a secret?"  
  
Her blue eyes huge and curious, April turned to face Lily "You have a secret? Something that happened over winter break?"  
  
"Yes . . . it's very very important, and ou *can't* tell anybody, okay?"  
  
"Or you'll never be my friend again?"  
  
"Precisely."  
  
April leaned closer. "Ok. I'm all ears. And no mouth."  
  
Lily sat back and her face assumed a purely happy expression. "James asked me to marry him."  
  
April gasped and shriked, "HE DID?" even louder than Sirius had shouted earlier. A couple of students studying looked over to their corner condescendingly.  
  
"Shh!" Lily said through her smile.  
  
"What did you say?" April whispered.  
  
"I said I would," Lily whispered back, so quiet it was barely audible.  
  
April loooked at her for a moment, her mouth hanging open, then screamed and jumped off the floor on top of her friend in a moment of impassioned joy.  
  
"Stop! What are you doing?" Lily giggled.  
  
"I'm hugging you!"  
  
"I couldn't tell."  
  
They sat up moments later, each flushed red. "This is awesome, this is so great," April said in a hushed voice. "You're so perfect together! James is all 'I'm a powerful Quidditch man but I've got a weakness to my girlfriend and it hurts when I'm not around her' and you're all 'He gives me strength and confidence, but I'm to shy to tell him what I really feel.' This is *perfect*!"  
  
"That's a very twisted rendition of our relationsip."  
  
"It's true, though. Oh, Lily, my bestest best friend, I'm so happy for you! This is a great ending to the story of Lily and James!"  
  
"Look, owl post!" A rain of owls were fluttering through the windows. One dropped the Daily Prophet in Remus' lap.  
  
~*  
  
In the hospital wing, James flung at Madam Pomgrey, screaming, "God damn you! You're a fucking nurse, you were supposed to heal them! My father is dead and my mother is dying and you're just standing there like a bloody idiot! Fuck you! *Fuck* you!"  
  
"JAMES!" his mother shouted with all the strength left in her body. James turned, and his anger ebbed away and left frailty.  
  
Behind him, Dumbledore, Vindictus, McGonagall, Sinistra, and Sprout rushed in with their wands ready.  
  
James collapsd at his mother's side and sobbed.  
  
"Mum . . . oh, Mum . . . what's happening?"  
  
She touched his head. "James. James, my son, my only son . . . look at me . . ." He looked up into her beaten, bloody face.  
  
"You've got rage." She nodded. "That's good. You're going to need it . . . I'm going to be all right, James. Don't cry for me."  
  
"I don't know what to do, Mum, I don' know how to help you and Dad . . ."  
  
"You don't need to help us, James. You need to understand that right now. Your father and I are leaving you. I'm sorry we have to leave you to such a world as this. . . . so sorry. . . . But that's the way it is. Our time is over now. We have raised you, we've taught you to be good, to be smart, to be brave. We've already lived in this world. Now it's your turn to take what you know and use it in the battles to come . . ."  
  
"*I can't do it without you* . . ."  
  
"You need to, and you will. James, we died unjustly, at the wrong time, by the wrong hands, but I don't regret it. You are ready. It's your generation. It's your time, now. Godric's Hollowing belongs to *you*."  
  
James cried. His heart was breaking; its content mixed with the tears and blood on the sheets.  
  
"How do I fight?" he whispered, hopelessly. Images flashed through his mind, of the past. His parents. Soon gone, forever, leaving him utterly alone. "And what do I fight for now?"  
  
"You fight . . .' Her voice had been strong, full of force, until now. Her eyes flickered. She was fading in front of him. "You fight . . . with love. With all the love in your heart. And you fight *for* love."  
  
Jame cried silently, holding his mother's hand to his cheek. "I love you."  
  
She didn't move, didn't respond. Her eyes continued to stare at him, and her hand went limp against his cheek. Behind him, the Headmaster and the four Heads of Houses watched silently. Professor McGonagall was pressing a handkerchief to her eyes.  
  
James dropped her hand on the bed. He looked at his mother, for a long, long time, until his tears dried with the blood on his face and hands.  
  
Then he stood slowly, and leaned down to kiss her forehead. "Goodbye." His voice was calm and composed.  
  
He turned and walked to his father's bed. He looked down at him, kissed his forehead gently. "I won't fail you." He reached down and took his father's black-rimmed glasses and put them in his own pocket.  
  
He faced his teachers. They looked back at him somberly. Even Vindictus was regarding him with utmost respect.  
  
James ducked his head, walked around them, and exited the room.  
  
"Potter --" Vindictus began, but Dumbledore shook his head sharply.  
  
"No. He needs some time alone."  
  
James heard them. Even if Dumbledore had not stopped Vindictus from calling him back, James would not have complied. In the last ten minutes the seventeen-year old boy had been forced to turn into a man. And he had decisions to make.  
  
[AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know it took a while for anything to happen, but I liked writing L/J sweetness . . . . Is anybody still following the story? . . . Please review if you are, tell me what you think of this chapter, I haven't gotten too many reviews lately . . . This isn't the end, of course, more is on the way . . . but I'm BEGGING you, I'm GROVELING . . . please review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~Emlyn] 


	9. DEATH, Part II

DEATH, PART II  
  
In the Gryffindor Common Room, the owl post had arrived. Several students had subscriptions, including Remus. He, Sirus, Peter, April, and Lily pored over it, disbelieving. Sirius collapsed in a chair, Remus was trying to hold back tears, April looked angry, Peter looked scared.  
  
Lily was frantic, lost, crying, her heart already breaking for him -- "Oh God, oh God -- we have to *find* him --"  
  
~*  
  
Clutching his Invisibility Cloak around his shoulders, James wandered through the snow outsise on the castle grounds. The sun was high in the sky, the day had begun . . . but an era of his life had ended. James didn't know where he was going, but he sure as hell wasn't going back  
  
He looked around at the castle, preparing goodbye; he could picture his friends in the Common Room, sitting around the fire, laughing, talking . . . or did they know?  
  
Did they know of the looming darkness over their futures?"  
  
They'd know soon eough, in any case, once a copy of the Daily Prophe began to circulate.  
  
Would it change everyone else's lives, too? Is this the last day of peace they will ever have? James thought.  
  
Or maybe his parents were the only victims. Maybe he was the only one affected by it. He didn't know why, he couldn't understand why the Dark Lord, the one called Voldemort, went for his parents first . . . Before anyone else. Why not Dumbledore, why not the Ministry?  
  
James looked up suddenly. Something in his mind clicked, and he changed his mind -- he had to go back -- turned around and began sprinting towards the castle.  
  
~*  
  
Lily rushed to Sinistra's classroom and burst into her office to find it empty. She'd gone to Dumbledore's office -- he wasn't around. Being a prefect, she should have known the password, but couldn't remember it to save her life. Professor McGonagall was also nowhere to be seen.  
  
She stayed in her dormitory on her bed, her knees pulled up to her chest. April was pacing the room, checking the hallways every now and then to ask people if they'd seen James Potter. They all said no. Many of the older students offered their condolences, and the younger ones asked who had been the murderer, and why, and whether their own parents were in danger. April tried not to be cruel to them, but it was hard, as she was just as confused and anxious as they were about the situation and they expected her to know -- She wanted to find a teacher and ask them, but . . . she didn't want to leave Lily.  
  
April had tried to comfort her, tried to talk to her, but Lily had shaken her head: "Please. Please, don't talk right now . . ." Lily wanted no comfort. She wanted to find James -- her husband, soon -- and comfort him, take care of him  
  
~*  
  
"I need to ask you something," James said, entering Dumbledore's office. The Headmaster immediately looked up.  
  
"About your heritage."  
  
James inclined his head slightly.  
  
Dumbledore sat down and peered at james over his half-moon spectacles.  
  
"Do you know who you are, James?"  
  
". . . The descendant of Godric Gryffindor."  
  
"Yes. The very last, now."  
  
"And this . . . this Voldemort. He wants the Gryffindors dead?"  
  
"It would make his reign to power clearer. I've known this plan of his only for about a month. I admit now that it was a great mistake on my part not to tell you sooner. Yes, James -- he wants your life very much."  
  
"He wants to stop the Gryffindor line. So he would also kill those who look as though the might someday continue it."  
  
Dumbledore's steel grey eyes agreed silently. James was bright -- he was figuring it out.  
  
James remembered red eyes in the bushes, watching . . .  
  
Watching as he and Lily kissed.  
  
His heart sank into his stomach. "Lily's father . . . Voldemort killed him, didn't he?"  
  
"Yes. After failing to kill you during the summer, Voldemort went after Lily and encountered her father instead."  
  
James sank into a chair. "It's irrational to place the blame at this point," he recalled saying.  
  
The blame was his.  
  
"I'm going to let her go," James said softly, deciding then and there.  
  
Dumbledore looked pensive -- he had not expected this from James. He had expected they would be married as planned. Love was more important now than ever. "It's a war, James. She'll be involved whether she's with you or not."  
  
"She's in less danger without me, though, isn't she?" James said, his voice trembling.  
  
Dumbledore relented. "Considerably less," he admitted.  
  
"Then it's over. We're done." James got up and left.  
  
"It's over," he said to himself as he made his way to Gryffindor Tower.  
  
His heart collapsed, cried out: "Lily . . ."  
  
He wanted to find her. He wanted to find and her and tell her about his parents, wanted to take comfort in her . . .  
  
But he pushed his feelings back, ignored them. What he *needed* to do was find her . . . and tell her to let him go. This was not a time for emotion.  
  
[AUTHOR'S NOTE: FYI I don't mind flames! I think I've said that before, I wanna hear anything anyone thinks. Please review! Even if you've reviewed earlier chapters, you can tell me what you think now!!!! I'm kind of pushy and demanding, aren't I? ^^ All right, I'll stop. Next chapter is called "Heartbreak". Be up tomorrow.] 


	10. Heartbreak

HEARTBREAK  
  
Lily was still lying in her four-poster bed, staring out the window, waiting, when April came in from the hallways. "He's out there," she said. Lily leapt up and raced out to meet him.  
  
She hung back and looked at him; his face was sad and drawn with pain already felt and dealt with -- he looked -- older, somehow - even though she'd seen him that morning.  
  
She ran into his arms, relieved, loving. They embraced, she touched his face and kissed him.  
  
"Are you okay?" she whispered, eyes filling with tears. James looked stonily down at her.  
  
"We need to talk."  
  
"Of course . . ."  
  
James looked over Lily's shoulder at April. "Somewhere else," he added.  
  
April stepped back, stung. James had never been mean like that before, not to her.  
  
Lily looked around at her best friend apologetically -- but April surprised herslf, she wasn't angry. She had a feeling this was bigger than herself -- the death of his parents, and the love Lily and James shared: it was more important than her. So she only nodded at Lily, signaling to her "I understand."  
  
James took Lily by the arm, pulled her behind a passageway that took them out of Gryffindor Tower and near the base of the Astronomy Tower -- empty right now, of course, it still being daylight. They climbed the stairs and when they reached the top, James let go of her arm. He walked away to a window and looked out of it, trying to figure out how to say it, how to do it.  
  
Lily followed him, looked into his face, orange from the glow of the sunset. His face was set, emotionless -- but in his eyes Lily could see pain, so much sadness and hurt, so deep in his eyes that Lily was perhaps the only one who would notice.  
  
She slipped her hand into his slowly. "Talk to me."  
  
James took his hand away from her. "You can't marry me."  
  
Lily looked at him, not understanding his words.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You can't marry me," James repeated.  
  
Lily recoiled as though he'd hit her.  
  
"What, you just changed your mind?" she said, turning her hurt into anger.  
  
". . . It's complicated."  
  
"James," Lily said, trying not to cry -- she'd cried too much already. "James, don't push me away. I'm sorry about your parents, but don't push me away. You need me now more than ever --"  
  
James cut her off. "This isn't about my parents, or me. It's about you."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"It's better this way."  
  
"Do you love me?"  
  
Such a simple question to which Lily know the answer -- or, thought she knew.  
  
But James didn't answer. He only turned away.  
  
Lily felt herself breaking inside.  
  
"You don't love me?" she said softly. It was too much for him, he couldn't hurt her like this -- James thought, Which would be worse for her, making her live a life without me or endangering her life?  
  
"I *do* love you! That's why -- I mean -- God, I can't do this!" It was impossible. He *couldn't* tell her he loved her and then tell her not to love him, because she wouldn't do it, yet he couldn't bring himself to let her believe he *didn't* love her.  
  
But no matter what he told her, he knew she would be hurt. The best thing was to tell her the truth.  
  
"Lily, I know what happened to your father."  
  
Her eyes widened with hope. "You know where he is?"  
  
"He's dead."  
  
Lily stared, disbelieving. Her legs went weak; she sat down on the floor.  
  
James sat down in front of her. His heart was giving out for her, he wanted to hold her and let her cry against him -- but he couldn't Not if he wanted to finish this. "Voldemort's been after my family for a long tme. He saw us kissing, and he went after you last summer. You weren't home -- you were at April's house then, do you remember? -- And he found your father."  
  
"My house -- Mum, Petunia! -- will he go back?"  
  
James shook his head. "I don't think so. He knows you're here at Hogwarts, under Dumbledore's protection. But . . . you can go home safely, now. Dumbledore's put a spell on it to protect Muggles.  
  
"Why don't they just put a spell on your house?"  
  
"It's only for Muggles."  
  
Frightened, she looked up at him. ". . . So it won't work for me?"  
  
"No. But, Lily, you can be safe. You just need . . . we just have to stay away from each other. The rest of this year, and . . . and afterwards."  
  
"No -- no, we can't do that. I need to be with you."  
  
James shook his head. "You can't. Lily . . . I'm responsible for your father's death, do you understand that? You're in great danger with me."  
  
"I don't care." Frustrated, James stood. Lily got up, too. "James . . . I need you." She started to cry. "You're the world to me. It hurts so much when we say good night, even when I know I'll see you the next day. Please understand, I *can't* leave you."  
  
James looked away. He udnerstood. He understood very well, because everything she was telling him, he felt, too.  
  
James looked out at the sunset. "You've got to stop loving me."  
  
"Don't say that! I *won't*."  
  
"God *damnit*, Lily, you could *die* if you're with me!"  
  
"Then I'll die," she whispred, her back to him.  
  
He grabbed her arm, spun her around roughly. "You think it was easy for me to make this decision? Do you think I thought I'd just *try* to break up with you and see how it went? I've made up my mind: when school ends, you have to stay away from me --"  
  
"You don't get it!" Lily exclaimed, eyes bright with tears. "I c-*can't*. Believe me . . . I *would* stop loving you if I could -- don't you know I'd do anything for you?" Her red lips quivered and she cried softly. "But I can't stop. I never chose to fall in love with you. But I did, and I've loved you for six and a half *years*, James! I can't change. . . . It's me. It's who I am. How am I supposed to just -- *quit*, remembering these years we've spent together?"  
  
An idea formed in James's mind. A horrible idea -- maybe impossible, maybe extremely dangerous . . . but he was desperate. He needed her to live. He needed to know that she was safe, regardless of whether she was with him or not.  
  
"You won't remember," he said softly.  
  
". . . What? . . . No."  
  
She covered her face with her hands.  
  
"You said you'd do anything for me," James said. "You said you'd --"  
  
"No no no, I can't hear this, I can't hear this --"  
  
James went to her, took her arms away from her face. Bing so near, he couldn't take it any longer -- he kissed her cheeks, rubbed her back, stroked her hair, held her . . .  
  
"Please, Lily," he murmured brokenly, and suddenly he was crying, as he could feel her giving in to him. "We can modify your memory -- make it so . . . you won't remember. Please, do this. . . . Do this for me, if you love me . . ."  
  
She pulled away, and with great strength, lifted her eyes to him, her gaze devoted, loving, broken, and whispered, "*You promised me forever*."  
  
Then she turned and fled from the tower.  
  
~*  
  
April found Lily in their dormitory. She was sitting on her bed hugging her knees to her chest, staring into spcae, looking lost and vulnerable. April sat down next to her best friend slowly.  
  
"What did James say to you?" Lily looked up.  
  
"James is breaking up with me."  
  
"WHAT!?" April nearly exploded. How could he do that? What was he *thinking*? "What do you mean he broke up with you -- He did not! -- I'm going to talk to him!" She quickly stood up to leave, but Lily caught the arm of her robe and held her.  
  
"Wait -- Please, let me explain."  
  
April curved her fury and sat down again.  
  
In a calm, clear voice, she told her everything that had happened. April listened raptly, without interrupting once, which was a first for her. When Lily was finished, a part of April was . . . relieved. It was horrible to feel that way, and April know it, but deep down she was jealous because Lily had spent so much time with James since they'd started dating in the third year, and now they werne't getting married -- in fact she wouldnt even remember him after school  
  
Thta thought hit April, and she looked at Lily, whose face was full of pain. Her relief swept away immediately and her heart filled with sympathy for her.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
Lily took a deep, shuddering breath. "I don't know."  
  
"You know I'm wondering, and I think the boys are, too. . . . Did you and James have sex?"  
  
"No . . . b-but I wish we had, now. Now we'll never . . ." She trailed off as tears threatened again.  
  
"Don't. It would have been worse if you had."  
  
"No. No, nothing can be worse than this."  
  
April put a hand on Lily's arm. She wanted to comfort her.  
  
"Tell me what you feel."  
  
"I feel . . ." A single tears trailed down her cheek. "I feel like someone's hand is closed on my heart. It's trying to beat but it can't. It hurts." Tears began streaming down her cheeks and she put her face in her hands and wept. "I'm dying, April. I think I'm dying."  
  
For the first time April realized the magnitude of the loss both Lily and James would have to endure. She took her best friend in her arms, hardly able to keep back tears herself, and they embraced.  
  
"Oh, April . . . April, how am I supposed to keep away from him for the next six months?"  
  
"You could leave," April suggested. Her heart went against it -- she wanted to be with her -- but she forced herself to think of Lily's benefit. "You could graduate a term early. You've already taken enough classes."  
  
Lily thought about it. Leave Hogwarts? Her friends were here, her home was here, her heart was --  
  
Here.  
  
"Yes. I'll leave."  
  
~*  
  
IN THE BOYS' DORMITORY.  
  
James lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He needed to see Dumbledore, talk to him about the Memory Charm -- but he coldn't move, couldn't think.  
  
"James," a shady voice said from far away. James shook himself mentally and came back to his senses.  
  
Sirius was poking his head thorugh the curtains. "James, man, get up. We have Astronomy this evening."  
  
He'd forgotten about class. But -- then and there, James decided, "I'm not going."  
  
"Oh," Sirius said. He paused. "I don't blame you. James, I'm sorry. . . . I know how bad this must all be for you . . ."  
  
James looked at him. Sirius stopped.  
  
"Okay, I don't." He sighed and sat down on the bed "You could tell me. . . ." There was no answer. "James, there's gotta be another way. It doesn't make any sense. Your parents have died and you're pushing away everybody you have."  
  
"I have myself," James said, deadpan.  
  
"And you've got us. Marauders, Prongs."  
  
"Not right now."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
James sat up, got out of bed. "I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go somewhere else for a while."  
  
Sirius got up, too, confused. "Where? How? Why?"  
  
"I don't know. Somewhere . . . somewhere else. I can graduate early, I've got enough credits."  
  
"*Why*?"  
  
James looked down, shook his head. "I need . . . I need to be away for a while. By myself." He left for Dumbledore's office. 


	11. I'll Remember You

I'LL REMEMBER YOU and A Little More Heartbreak  
  
The next morning, Remus was getting dressed and James was lying on his bed scribbling something on a piece of parchment. Remus decided not to ask; he slung his bag of books over his shoulder and was about to leave when James called him back. He went over to his bed and James stood up.  
  
"Sirius told me about you leaving." He could not hide the hint of hurt feelings in his voice. He was just *leaving*.  
  
"I'm sorry, Moony . . ." James said quietly.  
  
"No, it's alright. I understand. I know you want to be alone."  
  
"Yes. I think . . . I think you do understand."  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"I -- I can't go home. I can't stay here. I might . . . leave the country. Maybe go to Ireland, or -- God, maybe the States. I don't know right now."  
  
Remus pointed at the letter in his hand.  
  
"That a letter for --" He wasn't sure if he should say her name.  
  
"Lily," James said. His voice was thick with pain -- he looked at the letter and then handed it to Remus. "Can you get this to her?"  
  
"Of course. . . . When are you leaving?"  
  
"Tomorrow -- we both are. It turns out . . . she's leaving, too. We got our diplomas."  
  
"Head of the class?"  
  
James smiled. "No. The year isn't done. You get to take over."  
  
"Sweet." And he left with the letter in hand.  
  
However, as soon as he exited, Sirius jumped out from behind a wall and grabbed his arm. "Sirius! Good Lord, you --"  
  
"Ha ha!"  
  
"What are you doing? Why are you snooping around your own dormitory?"  
  
"Could I take that letter to Lily?"  
  
Remus paused. He sensed a plan on Sirius's part. "What are you going to do with it?"  
  
"Same thing as you. Get it to Lily, of course."  
  
Remus clutched the letter firmly. "You're going to take it to April and use it to flirt, aren't you, Padfoot?"  
  
Sirius blushed. "Yeah. . . . What of it?"  
  
Remus shrugged and shoved the letter at him. "Fine. . . . James probably won't mind. Just *make sure* it gets to Lily."  
  
Sirius turned -- well, serious for a moment. "She'll get it."  
  
They parted ways.  
  
~*  
  
Sirius found April coming out of their dormitory with her purse in hand. It didn't look like it had books in it.  
  
"April." She looked up at him. Sirius could tell she was not happy.  
  
"What."  
  
"Is, er . . . is Lily not going to class?"  
  
"James didn't tell you? She's graduating early. She fixed it with Dumbledore."  
  
"Are *you* going to class?"  
  
"Are you crazy? I'm going to Hogsmeade Station to get her a train ticket."  
  
"Hogsmeade?" Sirius said, falling in step beside her. An open door, he thought to himself. Walk through it. "Hey, I'm not going to class either."  
  
"Good for you. I'm not impressed. You skip all the time."  
  
"I wasn't trying to impress --" Sirius shot at her -- but he stopped. If he wasn't careful they were going to end up arguing. "Well, I was just thinking, if you're going to Hogsmeade, and I'm not going to class, maybe I could go to Hogsmeade, too. And maybe we should . . . *go*. Like, together. Like afterwards we could get a butterbeer or something."  
  
April stopped in her tracks and looked at him. She was smiling slightly. "Are you asking me out on a date?"  
  
"Well, er . . . yeah."  
  
She sighed and looked at him, still smiling. Suddenly Sirius didn't like that smile. "This is *funny*," April said. "This is so ironic it's *funny*."  
  
"Sorry . . . what's funny?"  
  
Her blue eyes flashed with anger. "My best friend is in our dormitory crying her eyes out. She's so heartbroken she can't stand up. If James feels half of the pain *she* feels, I think it's safe to say *he* didn't sleep at all last night either. I was up with Lily *all night* comforting her and now I'm tired and I really don't *care* about anyone else."  
  
Sirius stood there, eyes wide. He'd messed up hadn't he. "And . . . how is that funny?"  
  
April threw her bag down on the floor, looking as though she might cry any second. "This is the first time I've felt so much for someone else besides myself, and instead of being here to give me credit for not being self-centered, you want to ask me out on a *date*! Lily's *dying*!"  
  
"I guess . . . I'm probably *not* the person you 'feel so much for'."  
  
"God!" April put her hands in her hair and rubbed it furiously. "No! You're not! Could you please stop following me around and making puppy eyes at me? It was cute for a while but now your idiotic infatuation is just annoying me. I hate you with a fiery passion, okay?"  
  
Sirius couldn't stop staring at her. She was even more beautiful when she was mad.  
  
"Why are we still here? You asked me out and I refused! Now you know, it's off your chest."  
  
She picked up her bag and stalked off, leaving Sirius scarred for life. He clenched his fists, trying to collect himself, when realized he still had the letter in his hand.  
  
"God damnit! My stupid attention span," he muttered to himself. He went to the girls' dormitory and slipped the letter under the door, then left. He wanted to go somewhere and sulk.  
  
~*  
  
Lily had nearly achieved sleep, which she'd been trying to do for the last twelve hours, when she heard the commotion in the hallway. She couldn't hear their exact words, but it sounded as though April was breaking his heart. "Poor Sirius," she thought to herself.  
  
Then she realized that for the past twelve hours she'd also been thinking to herself, "Poor me." Then, almost disgusted with herself, she got up and decided to take a shower.  
  
After the shower, she felt clean and refreshed, having washed the tears off her cheeks. She also felt, with April gone, and James breaking up with her, utterly alone.  
  
It reminded her of the first year, when she and April had had their first fight. Complete, absolute lonliness.  
  
In the first year, she had healed herself by satisfying some of her curiosities about the castle and had gone exploring. She'd known it was againt the rules, but at that point in time it really didn't seem to matter. It was then that she'd found the secret room adjacent to Gryffindor Tower. It was covered in cobwebs and the only things occupying it were a spare bed with white sheets and a desk. She cleaned the desk and the bed both then washed the dust off the windows, and had brought some quills, parchment, and books up there. When she wanted to be alone, that's where she had gone -- whether it was because Snape was making fun of her, or because she and April were fighting, or because she'd done poorly on a test -- it was her secret hideout, an escape from everyone and everything. She'd told James about it a couple years back, and as far as sh knew, they were the only two live people who knew about it.  
  
She wanted to go there now. Maybe she would be able to sleep there.  
  
Then the next morning she would be leaving forever.  
  
Forever. . . . Lily felt a fresh surge of pain and she remembered that night, a little more than three weeks ago, when she and James were standing on the lawn, looking at the stars with their arms around each other.  
  
("I'm going to miss this place when we leave in June," Lily said suddenly. James was silent; he knew she wanted to say more. "I mean, this is where . . . this is where my life began."  
  
"I know. I love it, too. And the people in it."  
  
"At least we've got a semester left."  
  
"Don't sound so grave, Lily. When we leave here, our lives will only have just begun. You know that, don't you?"  
  
Lily was pensive. "I guess so. -- But somehow, it doesn't feel like it."  
  
"Why not?" James kissed her cheek. "I'll be with you."  
  
"Forever?" Lily was happy again.  
  
"I promise, forever.")  
  
Lily choked, and decided to go to the secret room. She was just leaving the dormitory when she found the letter on the floor.  
  
"Lily, Meet me tonight. You know where. James."  
  
Covering her face as she felt tears streaming down her cheeks again, Lily slid down the wall and sat, sobbing. "James . . ."  
  
She knew where. And she knew why.  
  
For goodbye.  
  
~*  
  
James came to the little room that night around seven o'clock. He hadn't said a specific time, but he knew she was already there. He could feel her on the other side of the door.  
  
He was about to knock, but Lily's voice came from inside, "Come in."  
  
He stepped in. The room was very much the same as it had been the last time he was there. The moonlight shone through the window, there was a candle lit above the desk, upon which parchment, notebook paper, and quills were strewn.  
  
He was momentarily fazed by her appearance -- She wasn't in her robes like he was. She wore Muggle clothing, just a simple white t-shirt and some jeans. He supposed she had already packed her school clothes.  
  
"How'd you know I was --" He gestured toward the door.  
  
"The same way you knew I was already here," she explained.  
  
James looked down. So she could feel him, too.  
  
"So . . ." Lily said, shifting her balance. "Did you want to . . ."  
  
James walked towards the window, thinking. "I don't know what I wanted to do. I . . . I needed to see you . . . before . . ."  
  
"Dumbledore said you talked to him."  
  
"Yes. He said . . . he told me I'd made a good decision to keep you safe."  
  
"Oh, good. Good, now you've gotten everyone's permission. Except mine."  
  
"Lily . . ." James said in a strangled voice, forcing back tears and raising his eyes to the stars out the window -- he couldn't look at her, couldn't see her.  
  
But she was looking at him, and she saw his expression. "Oh, God . . . I'm sorry. James, it's okay. I understand. I think . . . I think you're right. I think it would be better for me to stay away from you, and I think it will be easier for you to fight without me to worry about . . . It's just . . ."  
  
"It hurts," James finished for her. She didn't answer, and James wondered if she could feel his feelings now -- his desperation. His desire to keep her safe from harm . . . and his desire for her love. . . .  
  
He turned to her. Lily's green eyes, shining with tears, looked into his brown ones, reflecting starlight from outside.  
  
She said, her voice trembling, "I guess this is . . ."  
  
James swallowed hard, put his hand out. "Goodbye."  
  
Their hands touched. They both felt their hearts move -- as though an invisible string was pulling them together . . .  
  
James and Lily looked down at their fingers touching.  
  
They looked back up into each other's eyes . . . and it was too much for them both.  
  
James suddenly grabbed her forearms and instinctivly they came together. Their noses touched. Their lips touched, unsurely -- and she lost herself in his arms. The room faded away, and their life faded away; James's guilt and Dumbledore's warnings rose into the air like wisps of the winter wind and disappeared into the stars. James and Lily kissed. His hands were firm on her back, pulling her closer, and her fingers caressed his neck and his hair and she leaned her body up and into him and they nearly fell down on the floor together but James stood rigidly -- perhaps a shred of sense was still present in his mind, yet to be comsumed by passion.  
  
His lips strayed from hers and touched her cheek, her neck, and she sighed deepy. James's hands tugged at her robes as he kissed her neck, and she gently pushed him away. They stopped kissing but kept their foreheads together and looked at each other tearfully.  
  
We can't do this," James whispered.  
  
"I know," Lily said.  
  
They paused there for a moment, tyring to collect themselves. Not even after he'd proposed had they let themselves be taken over by passion. But now --  
  
*I will never be able to hold her like this again.*  
  
"We have to walk away from this," James said.  
  
"I know, Lily said. "I just . . ."  
  
Her voice broke and James kissed her cheek. Lily let out a shaky sgih and whispered into his ear, "I love you." Then he kissed her lips, willing it to be the last kiss, willing himself to pull away -- it was supposed to be goodbye -- but he couldn't stop. His stomach was cold, wrenching. . . . desire . . .  
  
Her three words echoed in his mind and he was consumed by them, and their kiss grew with intensity. James puled away.  
  
"No, no -- stop, please --" he said weakly.  
  
Lily put her hands to his lips, cutting him off. "Shh . . . James, I want you . . . I want you to remember this nght, even though I won't."  
  
She was crying -- crying for him. James's heart melted, and he gathered her into his arms.  
  
Their bodies pressed together tightly and he could feel her heartbeat against his own chest. She touched the lapel of his cloak and pulled away again, but not to stop kissing him -- she pulled at his cloak and he shrugged it to the floor. His hands gripped her t-shirt and he walked and pulled her over near the bed in the corner.  
  
His hands moved up and they stopped kissing momentarily so he could lift her shirt over her head. The time is took for him to do this was brief but too long for their lips to be apart and when it had fallen to the flor, she jumped into his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist as they kissed again. James gently laid her on the bed.  
  
The rest of the night was a haze of emotion and touch and heat and passion and pain, too, all fused together. Time lost meaning, and danger lost meaning and all Lily or James knew was love.  
  
~*  
  
When James woke up the morning was beautiful. Last night there had been a gentle snowstorm, and the pale early sun reflected its purity. Outside everything was a soft white -- the ground, the trees, even the air. The light from outside shone through the window onto the bed in the corner; the slightly transparent curtains around it shaded it.  
  
Upon waking, the first thing he notced after the light was that Lily was not touching him. He had fallen asleep last ight with the warmth of her fingers resting on his chest and he no longer felt it. He opened his eyes then turned his head to look at her, but --  
  
The sheets beside him were rumpled and empty.  
  
He sat bolt upright in bed and looked around.  
  
"Lily?"  
  
The door from the room into the narrow corridor was slightly ajar.  
  
He jumpd out of bed and found his clothes and put them on and his socks and shoes and put them on and his cloak too, fled out of the door and thundered down the stairs and more stairs and through a corridor and down more stairs, and fnally reached the Great Hall where everyone was eating mushy gray porridge, but he flew past and in a moment was at the huge entrance doors where Professor McGonagall was standing and waving to a carriage which was parked at the gate.  
  
The person walking swiftly down the path to the gate wore a black cloak and had a shimmer of red hair.  
  
"Lily."  
  
Instinctively he drew forward and tried to run to her but something caught his cloak and pulled him inside the castle.  
  
"Professor, I have to go, I changed my mind --"  
  
She held his cloak. "No."  
  
He continued to struggle but she wouldn't let hm go and he had left his wand upstairs so he tried to hit her but she caught his fist and held it. Her stern icy grey eyes looked into his. "You cannot!"  
  
"*I need her*." And she let go finally but other teachers came and took his arms and held him. He struggled and shouted and then screamed out the door through the swirling snow at the black figure walking toward the carriage. "*LILY!*"  
  
Lily heard him scream her name. She kept her eyes on the carriage in front of her. She was making footprints from the castle but the prints were rapidly being covered by the falling snow. She felt nothing. Nothing but cold  
  
And a jewel of a tear upon her cheek.  
  
Professor McGonagall yanked him back from the door. "Listen to me. Listen to me, James. It is for the best. You know that. And it is too late.'  
  
Vinidctus was behind her. Sprout and Flitwick were behind him. And behind them, Dumbledore, with his eyes closed in concentration and lips moving in incantation and his wand pointing outside at Lily.  
  
From it there was a brief flash of blue light. He opened his eyes and looked at James.  
  
James looked at Lily.  
  
Lily paused in the snow. Her heart was crying out his name and she wanted to turn around but instead she looked at her shoes. The snow was getting her feet wet. The moisture made them colder.  
  
There was wetness on her left cheek and the wind stung it more than the right. She looked up at the carriage and wiped her face with her sleeve. She climbed in and sat across from a freckled boy and a little girl.  
  
"Hello. Are you going to Hogsmeade Station, too?" They nodded. "Oh, I'm so happy for the snow. I think I've got allergies or something." She wiped her eyes again and the children smiled politely. The carriage lurched forward.  
  
James had watched Lily pause. For a moment he thought she might turn around. She didn't. She climbed into the carriage.  
  
The snowy wind was cold.  
  
"It is done," said Dumbledore.  
  
The carriage pulled over a hill in the distance and was gone. 


End file.
